Now what?

The days pass so quickly, though nights last forever.
Our house is so empty, though it is still so full of us.
Everything is as it always was, and yet, not as it was.
And, I’m still me, but not the me I once was.

There’s no going back, no matter how much we want.
What once there was, once was and is no more.
Though we may both wish it, it is naught but a wish.
It has been allowed to go, to become our memory.

So, what happens next, do you know better than me?
For what happens to me, will not happen to you.
But whatever will happen, either to you or to me,
I hope we never forget, what had tried to be.

Thanks...

I'm not the best at saying thanks, but... 
For trying to understand me and suffering me in silence
For the helping hand and for asking nothing in return
For the thoughts in my absence and the undeserved compliments
For confiding in me and the trust you place in me
For not judging me and your acceptance of me
For being truthful and knowing I can take it
For standing by me, supporting me and believing in me
For making me feel better about me
For your honest friendship
Thanks

Thank you...

In the twilight of our years my love,
I have much to be thankful for.
My life has been wonderful,
For no other reason than you,
I was guided to your side,
I couldn’t fight my destiny.
There have been ups and downs,
On our amazing trip through life,
But the times of trouble,
Were thankfully few.
Now as we sit here, looking back,
At what brought us to this place,
There is something I must say,
Whilst I have it in my mind.

You were my dream and you are my reality.
You were my heart and my strength.
You were my tears and you were my laughter,
And you will always be so, forever.

And if ...

"No, I don't", isn't a legitimate answer to the question "Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

Then why do they ask?

God is perfect?

If one considers that God is perfect, then surely he would be incapable of producing anything which was less than perfect, and as is plain for all to see, the universe is far from perfect and this place even less so.

So it follows that God isn't perfect, he hasn't single-handedly sat down and made everything that is, he didn't make trees and flowers and birds and all the other stuff either. If he was truly perfect, then his creations would also be perfect, flawless, incapable of anything less than perfection.

Again, it's apparent that nothing is perfect, and if you think that God took the trouble to make all this stuff, then he's pretty crappy at it. For crying out loud I could do a damn sight better.

So if perhaps we assume that God, being surrounded by all this nothingness and what have you and nothing on the telly, suddenly thought "I know, I'll set something off and watch what happens!", then it's perhaps a bit easier to get your head round. And when the first tree popped up, he probably said "Shit that's awesome! Why didn't I think of that?"

I fail to see any conflict at all.

My chubby girlfriend…

Maybe…

Her weight is perfect, between 30kg and 100kg.
She is tall of course, about 100 to 200cm tall.
Her beautiful skin colour compliments mine, but I don’t know its name. The same is said of her ever changing hairstyle.
Her eyes… Oh her eyes… They change hue every time I look, which I do, constantly.

She is ever graceful, even when she cleans or washes… She is always so feminine, especially when she wins the pillow fights… Her contagious laugh resounds through the house when we chase each other, always collapsing onto the bed in each others arms… When apart, we message constantly, call constantly, and race home to be together again… She’s out with her friends and sends “I miss you…”, I’m upstairs and I send “I miss you...” We can not make love and not laugh… We can not pass and not touch… We can not look and not know…

If you see her, please tell her I’m looking for her.

He is...

He's stable, responsible and reliable, strong but also gentle and understanding. He is softly spoken, but his words are well chosen, thoughtful and meaningful. He is considerate of others and sensitive to their feelings. His partner is his equal, there to share all experiences good, bad and indifferent. He listens just as much as he talks and he appreciates his partner’s point of view. He loves his partner and appreciates the fact that it is him that she has chosen to share her life and experiences with. Though he may be capable of anger, it is not achieved with ease and it is never towards his family. He doesn’t need to prove anything. He easily compromises but never with his values.

Paths…

My path started so far away and has meandered from here to there, following an unlikely trail. Other paths were crossed and some were even followed for a while, but only for a while. Where my path is leading me, I can’t be sure, but where I want it to take me, I am in no doubt…

Your path began worlds away from mine. It seems to have wandered less and crossed fewer paths than mine. But, it crossed my own a while ago, went away, and has returned.

When I think about it, the paths of our lives are so different, that it’s difficult to understand why they ever crossed. But, they did.

Are our paths running parallel to each other? I can feel yours so close to mine. Akin to orbiting each other, albeit at a safe distance.

I hope our paths become closer. So that they touch, becoming one before they run parallel again.

You are…

The light in my day and the stars in my night.
My quiet night and my morning bright.
My journey to work, and my return home.

Stars...

You are a wonderful and beautiful star flying through space and perhaps sometimes passing close to other wonderful, beautiful stars...

Gaze upon them all as if you will never set eyes upon them again Alone, for it is agianst the other souls we pass that we can really see ourselves, in that how they see us as they pass by...

Life is the most beautiful thing we have ever received...

Live it as if it would be taken from you tomorrow... I promise you it will not last forever...

Love as if it is to be stolen from you...

With all your beautiful heart and soul...

And yet...

A dream, yet real.
Within my grasp, yet beyond my reach.
Down to earth, yet upon a pedestal.
Strong, yet so fragile.

Normal and yet… Extraordinary.

Waiting…

I don’t want to have many dreams, I want just one dream, my living dream.
I don’t want to hedge my bets, I want not to gamble, I want to be sure.
I don’t want to have options, you are perfect, why would I need options?
I don’t want to play the field,


Wait for what?

Would you choose to be with someone, whilst knowing you really want to be with someone else?

Would you rush in, hoping above hope that your rash choice will just turn out livable with?

Would you give your mind and body to someone, whilst knowing that your heart lay elsewhere?

Or would you wait, wait until you are sure that your are giving your heart, totally and without reservation, to the person who you really want to have it?

Things to say...

This is actually what I want to say:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let the aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message she is Dead.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

She was my North, my South, my East and West.

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: Put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

(Taken from Four Weddings and a Funeral)

The day the world stopped…

It didn’t really did it? I mean everything carried on exactly had it had before. Nothing changed, the sun still arose, and the days continued.

I was always of the opinion that it was the men who left their partners for greener pastures, not the women. Though the thought of me leaving you never crossed my mind, why would I want to. Maybe that was where I went wrong?

Well, it’s been quite a while now. You know Princess, I’ve noticed some smiles at me, if just a little, maybe I’m not as bad as I thought. I know this will sound silly, but, even after this long, I chastise myself for cheating on you, just because the thought of someone else crosses my mind.

Nothing more...

I think there's nothing more satisfying than being perfectly comfortable and at ease in the presence of someone you love.

I still feel you by my side at night...

When I get home, you’re no longer there,
To greet me, to show me you care.

Your smile, your laugh, your funny ways,
Made my days, those were the days.

We could never pass without a touch,
And I miss that oh so much.

We thought the same, even playing a game,
Just a look and we knew, time and again.

I still feel you by my side at night,
But when I wake you’re not in sight.

People say, “You lie, you’re not single!”
But they don’t see it from my angle.

I suppose I could find someone else,
But I was your prince, nothing less.

Well, for now I’ll just continue on,
And try to understand, why you’ve gone.


Has it really been a year, or just a day?
Coz these feelings just won’t go away.

Goodnight...

It’s a bit quiet tonight Princess.

I still come home quickly just like I always did you know. I’ve been going to work and trying to get on like you told me I had to. I clean our house and try to take care of it. I don’t always wash the dishes quickly and I don’t want to iron my t-shirts, I’m sorry. I think I’ll paint the walls soon and replace that broken door.

It’s not easy Princess, Especially when I go to sleep. We always went to bed together you remember. Now I just lie there. I know I shouldn’t go to bed too late, but I just don’t want to go. I try not to think about you too much coz you know I just get upset, but sometimes when I come home from work the house just feels so empty. I put the lights and the radio on when I go to work, so that it’s not dark and quiet when I return. I always expect to see you when I come inside and I even say hello to you. But, you’re not cooking any more; you’re not sitting on the sofa or playing the game you liked.

The friends we had don’t visit me now and your sister stopped calling me a while ago. I’ve tried to make some new friends Princess, but I’m afraid I’m not doing very well at it. You know I can’t relax with new people and, I really don’t think I can trust anyone again.

So, if it’s ok, I’m just going to sit at home for a bit longer. Please don’t be too disappointed with me.

I’ll be ok.

I just miss you sometimes.

Trust and Mistrust…

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”
Friedrich Nietzsche

I trusted you once and you broke it. I trusted you twice and you broke me.
Ant


Broken trust is such a hard thing to repair. Everyone becomes untrustworthy. Doubt and questions purvey every statement, every action. Mistrust and uncertainty become everyday, the norm.

I feel angry, as though something wondrous and special has been stolen from me. I want to find it again, but I can’t. I just don’t know where it has gone.

I so desperately want to trust again. To trust someone implicitly, without reservation, without thought, without doubt.

Maybe I can, maybe I can’t, but if I can’t, I believe I will be alone forever.

And I don’t want to be.

Cocooned

I can’t stay in here forever.

But when I venture outside,

I have to deal with people and Life.

When I do, something happens.

I can’t cope. I retreat again.

Into my cocoon. My safe haven.

Where I don’t have to deal with it.

Where did I go?

I was here a moment ago.

I lost me.